Embrace Fear: Rhonda Britten's Path to Freedom
This is the EWN Podcast Network.
Cathy Worthington:Welcome to late boomers, our podcast guide to creating your third act with style, power, and impact. Hi. I'm Kathy Worthington.
Merry Elkins:And I'm Mary Elkins. Join us as we bring you conversations with successful entrepreneurs, entertainers, and people with vision who are making a difference in the world.
Cathy Worthington:Everyone has a story, and we'll take you along for the ride on each interview, recounting the journey our guests have taken to get where they are, inspiring you to create your own path to success. Let's get started. Hello. I'm Kathy Worthington. Welcome to our newest episode of late boomers.
Cathy Worthington:Our very special guest today is Rhonda Britton, life coach and the Emmy winning creator and host of NBC's reality show starting over. In addition to her own show, Rhonda has appeared on Oprah, Steve Harvey, the Today Show, and many more.
Merry Elkins:And I'm Mary Elkins. She's also the author of four best selling books, including her groundbreaking work, Fearless Living. She's the founder of Fearless Living Institute and is a known expert on overcoming fear. She has a story that shocked me and will shock you about how she surmounted obstacles and conquered fear in her own life. Welcome, Rhonda.
Rhonda Britten:Well, thank you. I love that. I love how you guys share the intro. That's so cool. I feel so I feel hugged.
Cathy Worthington:Thank you. Thank you. Well, please tell our boomers your story and how you came to realize that you could overcome adversity and conquer fear and lead a successful fearless life.
Rhonda Britten:Oh, that's a loaded question. Well, first of all, I believe that any hard day, any horrific day, the most difficult times of our lives have the seat of our destiny in it. So if everyone could just look at their past and just look at the days that we're just like, ugh. Right? I bet you can draw a line from those days to, you know, ten, twenty years later and where you are and how it's how it supported you to unfold.
Rhonda Britten:So I didn't know that, of course, when it's happening, we don't know when it's happening to us. So you're talking about when I was 14 years old, my worst day of my life. I was 14 years old, and I grew up in a little tiny town in Upper Michigan, the UP. And, the town had two restaurants, fancy Douglas House Buffet Hotel and Big Boy. McDonald's was an hour and a half away.
Rhonda Britten:We didn't have anything that fancy. And, it was Father's Day, and my parents had recently separated. So my father was coming to take us out to Sunday brunch, which was a big deal because five you know, three kids, two adults, that's five people. That's a lot of money. Yeah.
Rhonda Britten:So I was pretty excited. My I was in my mom's room, and she's fluffing up her beehive hairdo and putting on her blue eyeshadow and her rose colored lipstick. And my two sisters are in our one bathroom fighting it out, and my dad comes in the back door. Come on. Come on.
Rhonda Britten:Come on. Because that's what dads do. And so me and my mom start walking towards the back door. And as we get there, my father realizes it's starting to rain. So he says he has to get his coat from the car.
Rhonda Britten:Now this coat is a tan Naugahyde leisure suit coat. And, I think we all remember that leisure suit coats were hot and my father with his polyester pants and his checkered shirt looked pretty good. Right? So my sister great. Right?
Rhonda Britten:He's looking pretty good in that naga hide. So he opens the trunk to grab the coat. My sister is still in the bathroom fighting it out. And out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my father is not grabbing a coat, but he's grabbing a gun. And he starts yelling at my mother, you made me do this.
Rhonda Britten:You made me do this. And he fires. And I start screaming, dad, what are you doing, dad? What are you doing? Stop.
Rhonda Britten:And he takes the gun, and he points it at me, and I think I'm next. And he blinks. I blink. He blinks. I blink.
Rhonda Britten:And then my mother, who already has one bullet in her, with her last breath literally says, no. Stop. Don't. And my father in that moment, realizing my mother is still alive, takes my bullet, the bullet intended for me, and shoots her a second time. And that second bullet goes through her abdomen, out her back, lands at the car horn.
Rhonda Britten:And for the next twenty minutes, all we heard is
Merry Elkins:Oh my
Rhonda Britten:And then my father cocked the gun a third time, put the gun to his head, and fired. In a matter of less than two front of you. Yep. In less than two minutes, I was the sole witness of watching my father murder my mother and commit suicide in front of me. Now I don't know how you guys would respond, but this is how I responded.
Rhonda Britten:It has to be my fault because I was the only physically one there that could have stopped it. Right? I I was the only one with them, and I didn't grab the gun, and I didn't kick my father's shins, and I didn't jump in front of my mother. So I did nothing heroic. And so I I I I on that day, I basically split into two.
Rhonda Britten:It was the outside Rhonda and the inside Rhonda. The outside Rhonda, straight a student still, class president. I'm fine. Sang the solos. Did everything.
Rhonda Britten:I'm fine. No. I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine.
Rhonda Britten:The inside Rhonda, on the other hand, you know, self defecation, self hatred, guilt, shame, just crawling through glass, basically, because I didn't have a right to be alive. Because when you by the way, when you watch your mother die and you don't do anything, you don't get to be happy. So that's off the table. And so I, went to college. And then by the time I got to college, I I went to Minnesota, so nobody knew about my story, and I found alcohol.
Rhonda Britten:Oh, how lovely. And so I started drinking and eventually became an alcoholic. And then during those years of drinking, I got three DUIs, and I tried to kill myself three times. And that third suicide attempt, I realized something that I am not very good at killing myself, not very skilled.
Merry Elkins:You're too loud.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. Not skilled. So by the way, when you try to kill yourself three times, they do put you in a psychiatric ward, and they do evaluate you. And I was in there for a few days. I was deemed not crazy, and they sent me home.
Rhonda Britten:Now I wanted to say one thing that during all this suiciding and DUIing and drinking, I was also going to therapy, going to workshops, reading books. I mean, I read my first self help book when I was 12. And when I was 13, I wanted to be a minister. So I was very much actively trying to pursue healing for myself. But as I sat there after my third suicide attempt and I'm home by myself, I'm sitting there thinking, have a lot of knowledge.
Rhonda Britten:I have a lot of tools. But I still fundamentally think something's wrong with me. I have to start over. I have to start all over. None of that has helped me.
Rhonda Britten:So I think to myself, wait a minute. What do kindergarteners do? Well, kindergarteners get a calendar and gold stars. So I went to the store, got a calendar, got some gold stars. And by the way, still have this calendar.
Rhonda Britten:And for the next thirty days, I gave myself a gold star for any time I did anything positive. I love that. About drinking and not getting or or getting angry and not breaking anything.
Merry Elkins:We can all do that at any age.
Rhonda Britten:Oh, absolutely. And so after thirty days and I had a calendar filled with gold stars, that gave me hope. But it also made me realize maybe there was a reason I was alive. Maybe there was a reason that I didn't die. And that became my quest to figure out why I was here.
Merry Elkins:And fear and being fearless is definitely one of them. But you were actually rather than feeling guilty and like you were to blame for your mother and father's death, you were afraid, weren't you?
Rhonda Britten:Yes. But I had no relationship to fear. So the thing is is that I think a lot of people don't have a relationship with fear. I don't think I'm alone. I mean, even if I was when I was drinking and trying to kill myself and going to do DUIs, if you would have asked me if I was scared, I would have said no.
Merry Elkins:Even when that gun was pointed at you, you weren't scared? I'm shaking right now hearing your story.
Rhonda Britten:Well, you have to remember. Yep. It happened so fast. I didn't feel anything. Right?
Rhonda Britten:Like, happened too fast. You can't faint. But But afterwards, I mean, even when we lived by ourselves, me and my sisters, we you know, like, nobody came to care for us. Nobody came and fed us. We took care of ourselves.
Rhonda Britten:And I would if you would have asked me if I was afraid or scared, would have said no because, one, I'm from Upper Michigan. We don't feel. Two, I'm a % finished. We don't feel. Three, we never talked about feelings.
Rhonda Britten:And four, I think most people don't have a relationship to fear. So I didn't know I was afraid until I started moving through my next healing journey, which then I started having relationship with fear. And it blew my mind that I had been living in fear for almost twenty years and didn't even know I had fear. And, again, I don't live alone. I think most people are like me.
Merry Elkins:Oh, yeah. I mean, what do you say to people who who you work with who live in fear? I mean and I have to ask you too. Do you still have fears?
Rhonda Britten:Well, fears never go away. Oh, I shouldn't say that. Fear is always with us because it's part of our neurobiology. So there's no getting rid of fear, but there is transforming fear.
Merry Elkins:Fight or flight.
Rhonda Britten:So yeah. Fight or flight. But that's a generic version. We wanna actually get it personalized. So, I mean, I don't think what we walk around going, I'm in fight or flight.
Rhonda Britten:Right? We instead, we say, what's wrong with me? Why am I doing this? Right? And then we blame ourselves.
Rhonda Britten:And if you don't mind, I'll give you all a little quiz. I'll give a I'll give everybody listening
Cathy Worthington:Oh, shakes.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. Uh-oh. Scary.
Merry Elkins:I prefer Go ahead.
Rhonda Britten:You like a little quiz? Okay. So one of the things that I have to transcend when I speak or teach or, you know, coach is actually having people recognize that they do have fear and how much of fear they have. So I have a little quiz that I give people. And if you can shut your eyes, if you're safe, if you're driving, don't do it.
Rhonda Britten:Right? If you're safe, shut your eyes. And then safe here. Yeah. Safe here.
Rhonda Britten:Can take We can do it. And then nod your head if you do any of these things or feel any of these things.
Merry Elkins:I'm nodding already.
Rhonda Britten:Okay. You're a good student. Good job. Okay. So here it goes.
Rhonda Britten:So if you're listening, go ahead and get those eyes closed if you're able and and nod your head. Do you ever deny yourself? Do you ever isolate? Do you ever pretend everything's okay when it's not? Do you ever hide out?
Rhonda Britten:Do you ever secretly whine? Do you compare? Do you manipulate? Do you get defensive? Do you judge?
Rhonda Britten:Do you complain? How about procrastinate? What about worry, struggle, weight, and call it patience? Do you find yourself blaming, deflecting? What about trying to be in control?
Rhonda Britten:Do you ever feel bitter? Do you ever feel powerless? What about dissatisfied, resentful, entitled? Do you ever feel guilty, disappointed? Do you find yourself being a perfectionist or a people pleaser, Indifferent?
Rhonda Britten:Do you feel irritated like you might now with your head nodding so much? Overwhelming. Right? Do feel overwhelmed? Right?
Rhonda Britten:Do you feel overwhelmed? How about ignored? Getting caught in self pity, annoyed, or caught in victimization?
Merry Elkins:All of the above.
Cathy Worthington:I mean
Rhonda Britten:All of the above. Okay. So so, Mary, you are a good student, like I said. So when I speak to a thousand people or a hundred people, 95% have over 95%. And I dare say most, if they're brave, will say a %.
Rhonda Britten:And then we and then we once in a while, a random person goes, I have 20%. And I look at it. I go, liar, liar, pants on fire. Right? Liar, liar.
Rhonda Britten:Because not admitting you do these things actually stops you from growing. You want to admit that you do these things. And so, Mary and and, Mary, I I wanna say that one of the things that we do one of the first things we can do is actually start instead of seeing these as problems, right, like, these are character defects. Oh, what's wrong with me? I'm judging.
Rhonda Britten:Oh, what's wrong with me? I'm procrastinating. Oh god. I'm people pleasing. I gotta stop doing that.
Rhonda Britten:Ah. Right? And we beat ourselves up and put ourselves down. Instead, if we simply call them fear responses. Because you wouldn't procrastinate if you didn't have fear.
Rhonda Britten:You wouldn't feel guilty if you didn't have fear. You wouldn't get anxious if you didn't get have fear. You wouldn't complain if you didn't have fear. So we're get caught up in the, you know, changing the chairs on the Titanic, right, and focused on what we call and problems. Right?
Rhonda Britten:So we we're looking at our character we call them character defects or problems, but really, they're just fear responses. And so once we can see that, we can change it.
Merry Elkins:I love that. I I am shaking my head to everything and thinking, oh my god. Because when I do feel those feelings, I think you shouldn't feel that way.
Rhonda Britten:Right. And and, of course, you quote, unquote should in the sense of if fear is on patrol. And so, basically, those fear responses are an alert, and they're telling you a few different things. One, they're telling you that you're moving into the unknown. And this is you may or may not know it either because it might be something that's just brewing inside of you, and your energy field is already, like, reaching beyond and starting to go out in the world, and you can feel that energy spike.
Rhonda Britten:You can you may not even necessarily feel it feel it if you're not HSP, a highly sensitive person, or you're having different thoughts. Like, you haven't dated in twenty years and you're thinking about it. You know? That activates your fear. So whenever you go into the unknown, whenever you're going to take what I call a stretch, risk, or die, your wheel of fear, what I call the wheel of fear, is gonna be activated.
Rhonda Britten:So the good news is whenever you do find yourself complaining or whenever you do find yourself judging, If you can stay awake and aware and say to yourself, not beat yourself up for it and say, go, oh, wait. My wheel of fear has been activated. Wait a minute. That's a fear response.
Cathy Worthington:Well, you please explain about fear of risk? How does one how does one take more risks and make better decisions and live more fearlessly in their business and in their lives?
Rhonda Britten:I love that question. Yeah. I love that question. So it's one of the reasons why I created the wheel of fear. So the wheel of fear Uh-huh.
Rhonda Britten:Yep. The wheel of fear. So the wheel of fear is what stops you from taking risk. K?
Cathy Worthington:Mhmm.
Rhonda Britten:So the wheel of fear has you, and it has tricked you into believing that that risk is dangerous. And it might make it, you know, like a crazy idea, or maybe a friend doesn't think you should do it, or maybe it's like you have to learn something new. Or, again, whatever it is, there is something about it that is like what I said, a stretch, risk, or die. So the wheel of fear does not want you to take stretch, risk, or dies. So the wheel of fear doesn't care about your happiness, and it could care less if you take a stretch, risk, or die.
Rhonda Britten:Fear's only job is to keep you the same and the safe safe, same, and stuck because the only way it can keep you alive, it thinks, is by keeping you the way you are now. So all it will lead you to is looking in the past for a solution. That's all it will do. It'll go go over there. Remember what go over go in the past.
Rhonda Britten:And that's why we drudge up our past because fear goes, well, I've kept her alive this long. I'm pretty amazing. So she just has to do more of that. Right? And even though we're like, no.
Rhonda Britten:I don't wanna do that. But fear is going, no. It's a really good idea. Do that. Oh, jeez.
Merry Elkins:So have
Cathy Worthington:an actual character that we can Ah, it is. You can name it with a capital f. Yeah.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. Fear loves you. Fear loves you, and it just wants to keep you safe because it still thinks you're six years old.
Merry Elkins:Well, I am swarming in my seat here, and you'll see it on YouTube, because I'm basically going through all that right now in my own life. And what do you tell people who are afraid to take risks? Because maybe they'll say, like you said, I don't feel I'm good enough, or I'm afraid something will will hurt me, or I don't know. I could go on. What do you tell those people?
Rhonda Britten:Those are all the imaginations around.
Merry Elkins:To make a bad decision.
Rhonda Britten:Right. But that's an illusion. Those are all illusions. Those are all things made up from the past. They have nothing to do with reality.
Rhonda Britten:So but we don't see that because it feels real. Right? So so that's the thing. It feels real because we have a memory of it from the past, and so it feels real. And then other people are telling us things or we're listening to things or we're hearing things.
Rhonda Britten:And that also contributes to the feeling of like, well, yes. I'm smart for not doing that. But then, of course, your soul is tapping you on the shoulder and go, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.
Rhonda Britten:And you're like, no. I gotta wait for a minute. I gotta I gotta just wait. Right? So bottom line is we have to start having a conversation with our lovely wheel of fear.
Rhonda Britten:And so everybody has what I call a core fear. And so when you say to me, oh, gotta take a risk. Oh, I don't know if I should take the risk. I don't wanna make a bad decision. Well, even your idea of not wanting to make a bad decision is compromising your soul calling.
Rhonda Britten:Because even worrying about making a bad decision is putting you into a level of attachment to having to be right. And so one of the that I teach my clients is you have to be willing to be wrong. Are you willing to be wrong about everything to find the right life for you? Are you willing to be wrong about everything to find the right life for you? And what you're not willing to be wrong about is where you're attached and where fear has you.
Rhonda Britten:So are you willing to be wrong? Are you willing to be like, well, okay. I make a bad decision. Who cares? I'm gonna make the best decision I can right now.
Rhonda Britten:And, again, once you understand what your core fear is, you'll be able to see, oh, that's why I don't wanna do it. So for instance, I'll tell you my core fear. My core fear is loser. Okay? I don't wanna be seen as a loser or thought of as a loser.
Rhonda Britten:Right? So let's say I've gotta make a decision. If my fear's in charge, I'm probably gonna not make a bold decision because what if I fail? What if I lose? What if something bad happens?
Rhonda Britten:So my wheel of fear has gone, well, you better not do that because then everyone's gonna know you're a big old loser. And I'm like, yeah. You're right. I better not do that. Right?
Rhonda Britten:But we have the lovely wheel of freedom over here that we can move from the wheel of fear to the wheel of freedom. And we can instead access what we call what I call my your essential nature. And my essential nature is authentic. So I must make my decisions based on my essential nature, not on my core fear.
Merry Elkins:So this is you so there's a wheel of fear and a wheel
Rhonda Britten:of Freedom.
Merry Elkins:Freedom. That's pretty amazing. How did you come up with that?
Rhonda Britten:Oh, god. God told me. God, I am not smart enough. I'm not smart enough for that.
Merry Elkins:I mean, can
Rhonda Britten:you I was I was was working with clients for, you know, many years, and then it just started forming. You know, like, one client, you know, I I formed part of it and then bunch of other clients, and then I formed another part of it. And then eventually, you know, I hit a tipping point, and I got it. Mhmm. Again, it was a you know, I I that's gotta be a miracle.
Rhonda Britten:It's gotta be God helping me see that. But then once I once I saw it was like a door unlocked. It was like a it was like the wind. I could feel the breeze for the first time. It was like I could breathe for the first time.
Rhonda Britten:Because all those years, I was wondering, you know, consciously and unconsciously, what's wrong with me? You know, in the middle of the night, life's not working for me. I'm in the middle of the night going, what's wrong with me? And then when this uncovered just you know, when I uncovered it, discovered it, when it was downloaded and I listened, it was literally like it changed everything. It changed my entire perception of myself in the world.
Rhonda Britten:Mhmm. And as neuroscience says, the only way to change your life is to change your perception.
Merry Elkins:Oh, absolutely. Mhmm.
Cathy Worthington:So that's what you call your wheels technology?
Rhonda Britten:Yes. That's right. So each wheel has four components.
Cathy Worthington:And more than two wheels?
Rhonda Britten:Nope. There's only two.
Merry Elkins:So tell us wheels Tell us the components.
Rhonda Britten:Oh, okay. Let me get a let me get my book out, and I'll show you a picture for those people that are on video that can look. So the wheel of fear has four components. I'm just I probably should mark these pages, but well. Okay.
Rhonda Britten:So here we are. We've got four components. One is number one is called the trigger. Now the trigger is what I call your core fear. Okay.
Rhonda Britten:When you are triggered, right? When you are triggered, you then move into fear responses. Now fear responses are all the things I read out loud already. And, you know, we all know our fear responses. We all know what we what we hate about ourselves or what we're disappointed in ourselves or what why we beat ourselves up.
Rhonda Britten:Right? So all those things that you think are wrong with you, character flaws, problems, those are fear responses. Okay? So then you start doing your fear responses to try to fear tells you to protect yourself, and you're gonna do these fear responses to prove to protect yourself. But you and I both know.
Rhonda Britten:Let's imagine that we people please for the tenth time, the fifteenth time, the hundredth time. How disgusted do we get with ourselves? And how are we like, we're so disappointed. We're so frustrated with ourselves. And so it drops us into what I call the core negative feeling.
Rhonda Britten:And you know your core negative feeling and I know my core negative feeling. Everybody, when I help guide them, they pretty much know their core negative feeling because that is what you felt many a day. And when you feel that core negative feeling, it drops you into what I call self destructive behaviors. And again, we all know how we personally self destruct. Right?
Rhonda Britten:Mhmm. And then those self destructive behaviors convince you even more that you better get better at hiding. Right? Mhmm. It is a wheel.
Rhonda Britten:That's why we feel like we're a hamster on a wheel because it goes around and around and around until you can get off anywhere. You can get off before a fear response, during a fear response, after a fear response. You can get off while you're having that feeling before it, after it, or in self destructive. So you can get off it anytime you become aware that you're on your wheel of fear, and then you move over to what I call the wheel of freedom. So the core fear is that thing you do not want anyone to think about you, smell about you, say about you.
Rhonda Britten:You don't want anyone to ever have this around you. You don't even want it to to have a scent of it around you. And by the way, you don't know what it is because it was created by the time you were seven. And so it hid really well because it does not want to be found because if it's found, it can't protect you.
Merry Elkins:Wow.
Rhonda Britten:So God gave me the exercise.
Merry Elkins:And talk about wheel of freedom a little bit.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. Yes. I yeah. I would be happy to. So the wheel of freedom also has four components.
Rhonda Britten:And you're gonna see if, you know, if if you if if you're from the Midwest or you have parents that taught you how to use a screwdriver and said righty tighty, lefty loosey
Merry Elkins:Oh, yeah.
Rhonda Britten:You're gonna see the right? Right? Mhmm. So the wheel of fear is righty tighty because as you're on the wheel, you get tighter. And you're gonna see that the wheel of freedom is lefty loosey.
Rhonda Britten:So the first place you go on your wheel of freedom is what I call your essential nature. Okay? Now your essential nature is that part of you that you hid a long time ago because it was not safe to have. For whatever reason, you know, our our wheel of fear was created, like I said, by the time we're seven. Yes.
Rhonda Britten:It's about environment. Yes. It's about culture. Yes. It's about who you hang out with.
Rhonda Britten:But it's also been proven now that fears are handed down through our DNA. Oh. So you might have right? Your wheel of fear might be from your great great great grandfather. You might not even know, quote, unquote, why this is your wheel.
Rhonda Britten:K? But I will tell you that when you get it, you'll be like, oh. Right? You're like, I can't believe that. No.
Rhonda Britten:Right? You'll be like, no. That can't be it. You'll you'll push back on me, and I'll be like, yes. It is.
Rhonda Britten:And I'll be I'll be like, oh, I see it now. Right? So then the wheel of freedom so in response to the wheel of fear, you hid a little part of yourself away because that little part of you is precious. And you realize you cannot expose it to the world. And that is your essential nature.
Rhonda Britten:And that is the piece of you that you have. So you have when life is working. So everybody probably has areas of their life. They're naturally on their wheel of freedom. Right?
Rhonda Britten:So maybe in your intimate relationships, you're naturally on your wheel of freedom. You have your essential nature. Life is good. So the wheel of fear, like I said, only comes up if you're taking structures can dies. And it's probably the areas where you're having the most difficulty, the most challenges, the most insecurities, right, etcetera, etcetera.
Rhonda Britten:So the wheel of freedom, you already know how it feels because you have been on it before. You just haven't been able to proactively get on it. Right? So my essential nature, what I hid unconsciously many years ago is authenticity.
Merry Elkins:Does that mean for you?
Rhonda Britten:Well, being true to myself. But first of all, had to find out who the heck I was. I didn't even know who I was. And by the way, on my wheel of fear, my wheel of fear says, well, you better not be authentic, Rhonda, because they're going to know you're a loser. Because if you're authentic, they're going to know you're a loser.
Rhonda Britten:We got it hidden right now, lady. So when I was 12, 13, 14 years old, I would write E. E. Cummings quote, and I'm going to butcher it, which is, the hardest fight you'll ever fight is to be yourself in this world. Right?
Rhonda Britten:And I used to write authentic quotes all the time. I'd write them down in my journals and diaries, but I couldn't be that because I knew you wouldn't like me. You wouldn't accept me. You wouldn't when when there was fear of. Right?
Rhonda Britten:So I hid. Right? I hid myself. So when I am on my wheel of fear, one of the first things I do is I ask myself, well, what would you do if you were being authentic? What would your decision be if you were being authentic?
Rhonda Britten:What would you die what would you be dying to do if you were authentic? What would you say? What would you do? What would you right? So what does authentic feel like?
Rhonda Britten:And in the beginning, I didn't know. I had been hiding for so long. I had no idea who I was, and I had to find that out. And for months after I, after I realized this, I walked around the house going, do I like this? Do I like mason jars?
Rhonda Britten:Do I like roast tea? I don't know. Do I like roast tea? Wait a minute. Do I like iPhone?
Rhonda Britten:I don't know. Do I like this pen? Right? Because my favorite color was green because my kindergarten boyfriend's color was green. And when I was married, my favorite food was Mexican because my husband's was Mexican.
Rhonda Britten:And I really believed it was my favorite green and favorite Mexican. I know. When I start when I start asking myself, I'm like, not so much. Not so much.
Cathy Worthington:That's a riot. Yeah. Advise us when we live with someone who has fears. How do you advise us to deal with them?
Rhonda Britten:Well, the first thing
Cathy Worthington:is Doesn't everyone have fears? Sorry.
Rhonda Britten:Of course, everybody has fears. But this is the deal. My company is called Fearless Living Institute. So we do FLI, fly. Right?
Rhonda Britten:Well, F L I also stands for something else. It stands for frequency, length, and intensity. So as you get more vassal moving between the wheel of fear and the wheel of freedom, the frequency in which you're triggered decreases. The length that it lasts lessens. The intensity minimizes.
Rhonda Britten:So yes, your wheel of fear may come up. But instead of it being an eight or seven or a 10, it's a two. It's a three because you recognize it faster. You see it sooner. So it doesn't have to build up to an eight to 10 to get your attention.
Rhonda Britten:Instead, it gets your attention at a two. Get your attention at a three. So you can move much quicker and much more effortlessly without as much quote unquote resistance onto your wheel of freedom.
Merry Elkins:So how do you deal with someone who that you live with or you love or or a friend who has these fears? What do you say to them?
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. Yeah. Well, one, everybody has fears. Right? So two, it's one of the main reasons people actually don't get fearless.
Rhonda Britten:The fear of what their family thinks, the fear of their partner, the fear of their family, their friends, their coworkers. It's one of the main reasons people stop actually moving forward. So this is what I wanna say first of all is if that is somebody who's listening to us right now and you're afraid to move forward because you're worried about what they might think, if you learn something, you know, you're gonna get kicked out of the tribe, so to speak, then I want you to hear this. Then you are deciding that that person or those people are running your life. Meaning you'd rather have their adoration and love than your own self love.
Rhonda Britten:You'd rather have them be in charge. So if you want them to be in charge of your life, let them be in charge, but then you can't complain. And you know what? Give them the keys. Let them have it all.
Rhonda Britten:And so what we do is we complain, right, because those people are keeping us down, but we're the ones that gave them the lock and the key. We're the ones that did
Merry Elkins:it Yeah.
Rhonda Britten:By giving them more power over our lives. And then when we do that, we don't actually have sovereignty. We don't have agency. Right? We don't have personal power.
Merry Elkins:I get it.
Rhonda Britten:Right? Right? So when we have these people that we love that have fears, and again, they all will, everybody does. The first thing is, one, the more you know your will of fear, the more you'll see their will of fear. And so you'll know what's up for them.
Rhonda Britten:And so you'll have a lot more compassion, a lot more empathy, and you'll be a lot more gentle with them. And you won't be threatened by their, what are you doing? What are going on? Why are you doing that? Right?
Rhonda Britten:You won't be threatened by that. You'll be like, well, of course they're doing that because I know I was afraid. And now they're acting, of course. Right? So you go
Merry Elkins:That makes so much sense.
Rhonda Britten:Right? Your heart open. Yeah. You have more compassion. So one of the things that I invite people to do when they begin this journey of fearless living is be gentle with yourself.
Rhonda Britten:Be gentle with yourself. You're you're gonna open up. You're gonna get become more aware. And on one hand, it's gonna be revelation revolutionary. It's gonna be joy filled.
Rhonda Britten:It's gonna be so freeing, and it's gonna feel more meaningful. It's gonna have you know, feel like you have you have your power back. And on the other hand, you know, there might be people in your life that are like, who do you think you are getting too big for your britches? Right? Mhmm.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. But you have to remember that they're in fear when they say that.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. Well, you've said you've said make fears your friends. So give us a few tips on how.
Rhonda Britten:Well, I'm I'm gonna suggest one is actually starting to keep track of your fear responses so you can actually start seeing them for what they are and change the label. So instead of saying, beating yourself up, what's wrong with me? You're gonna shift it to, oh, that's a fear response. Just taking away beating ourselves up is gonna create so much more space and so much more luxuriousness and generosity in our being. It's gonna give us more brain space, more heart space to actually have the courage to take bigger risks.
Merry Elkins:Heart space. Yeah.
Rhonda Britten:Yes. It's get bigger heart space. Right? Because you have more more to share about yourself. So that's the first thing.
Rhonda Britten:Just being able to shift the label of what's wrong with me to, oh, that's a fear response. So that's first. Mhmm. The second thing is, again, I'm gonna say be gentle with yourself because this is a opportunity for you to increase your heart space, to you to to increase your soul connection, for you to increase your connection to your intuition, for you to listen to that thing that's bigger than you. So be gentle with yourself because you're gonna be learning things.
Rhonda Britten:You're gonna be seeing things. You're gonna start noticing, oh my god. I do that when I'm afraid. Oh my god. I'm so embarrassed.
Rhonda Britten:Oh my god. Oh my god. I can't believe I did that five years ago. Oh my god. Oh, jeez.
Rhonda Britten:I can't believe right? But, again, it's like, no. That was when you were that was when you were afraid. That's natural and normal. So what would you do if that same thing happened and you were on your will of freedom?
Rhonda Britten:Right? What would you do instead if you were being authentic in that moment? Right?
Cathy Worthington:Mhmm.
Rhonda Britten:So everybody everybody has a different wheel of fear and wheel of freedom. So, you know, yours might not be anything like mine. So the wheels are personalized and unique so that you have an intimate relationship with it. So you you and your fear know each other well because your wheel of fear is as smart as you are, as educated, as knowledgeable, and spiritual. It knows everything you know, and it uses it all against you.
Rhonda Britten:So you have got to keep your wits about you and be awake so that you can see it, again, by acknowledging your fear responses because those you see, we see those things. So see it, change the label, be gentle with yourself. If you start doing those two things, again, you're gonna open your heart, open your mind, open your beingness.
Cathy Worthington:That's great. Is that what your show starting over was about? Tell us a little bit about that and how it helped people.
Rhonda Britten:Oh my gosh. So, I have done three television series. Mhmm. And each one of those, was changing people's lives. So people would come into the shows depending on which one was the, you know, different different ways that I did it.
Cathy Worthington:Like, with a live audience?
Rhonda Britten:No. No. Just I would I would so I would work with one person. So the the show in The UK, the first show I did, I worked with, one person in thirty days. And, really, I mean, I was working with three people at a time, but I would change your life in thirty days.
Rhonda Britten:So you would come to me and you would tell me your dream, your goal, what you wanted to make happen. And in thirty days, that would be so. Now on starting over, what I did is the same thing. People would have a goal, a dream, something they wanted to happen, and they would all live in a house. So we had six women living in a house at any one time.
Rhonda Britten:And all six women were working on their goals, their dreams, their and so I would create a map for them to move out of that. And I would meet with them on a regular basis, putting them through exercises. And one of the things I didn't know that I had this skill for that I had this gift for was visceral exercises. So I can create an exercise for anybody to get over anything. It's one of the things I truly can.
Rhonda Britten:So if you have a problem that, like, you can't get over, trust me. I can I can break it because I will come up with a unique exercise that will shift your relationship to it without you even fighting against it? Right? Because we wanna take away that barrier. We wanna just make it easy and effortless.
Rhonda Britten:So I do visceral exercises with people, and I create them. So I do it in VIP days, VIP weekends, and I help you. You tell me what your biggest problem is. We talk about it. I create something.
Rhonda Britten:We go do it, and you change.
Merry Elkins:That how your literally that how your book Fearless Living began?
Rhonda Britten:Fearless Living began because of all the hundreds of people that I did their reels. And then I was speaking to audiences at the time. I was doing keynotes and speaking and also teaching. And everybody would ask me to, can you write a book? Because I wanna send it to my cousin in Alabama.
Rhonda Britten:Right? I wanna send you a book. Do you have a book yet? Do you have a book yet? And the first thing I did when I first started speaking is I recorded every talk I did on cassette because that's all we had back then.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. Because I've been doing it for thirty years. Right? I would bring my cassette recorder to the, you know, the speaking event, and I'd put on the mic attached to the, you know, cassette recorder. And I'd go over to the cassette recorder, right, and push the buttons down.
Rhonda Britten:Right? And then I would sell those cassette recorders, Rhonda Britten Live, because I'd met at them so they could hear my talk. So people had my voice, and they had some little books that I had made self published. And they just wanted a book. And so I eventually got around to figuring out how to do that because that was a die for me.
Rhonda Britten:Everything on my journey has been a die. Becoming a coach was a die. Starting to work with private
Cathy Worthington:clients I don't understand what you mean by that. Lisa, explain.
Rhonda Britten:So so one of the things yeah. Yeah. So one of the things. Yeah. So one of the tools that I have is called stretch, risk, or die.
Rhonda Britten:And it's actually the tool that I wanna give your listeners today. Okay. Because it's one of my clients and students' very favorite tools. So you basically have a comfort zone, right? We all have a comfort zone.
Rhonda Britten:And then around the comfort zone, we have a stretch zone. Around the stretch, we have a risk zone. And outside the risk zone, have a die zone. And so what happens is when we have a goal, a dream, something we want to make happen, our body, our health, money, whatever it is, anytime you want to move from the comfort zone, which by the way, in the definition of fearless living is what your life is right now. So whether you're happy, not happy, married, not happy, whatever your life is right now, I'm gonna call your comfort zone.
Rhonda Britten:Okay? Because you know it. You're miserable. Right? So anytime you wanna get into your stretch zone, you have to actually go through the wheel of fear.
Rhonda Britten:Do you wanna get to your risk zone? Gotta go through the wheel of fear. Go to the die zone? You gotta go through the wheel of fear. So what makes the stretch risk and die zone different?
Rhonda Britten:It is the level of intensity of emotional fear. So stretches are things you know you can do, but you just haven't done them. Right? Like, I know I can walk 10 miles. Have I walked 10 miles lately?
Rhonda Britten:No. Right? Mhmm. No. So we we all have things we know we could do.
Rhonda Britten:We could drink more water. We could eat more vegetables. We could take our vitamins. We know we can do this. We just don't do it.
Rhonda Britten:Right? So it's a stretch zone. The risk zone is, I don't know if I can do it. Maybe, maybe not. It's not a guarantee.
Rhonda Britten:Right? The stretch is, I know I can do it. Risk is, I could and I couldn't do it. I I might be successful. I might fail.
Cathy Worthington:So this is what you teach in the Fearless Living Institute. You're
Rhonda Britten:Oh, this is one tool. I have many, many, many tools. Yeah. This is one of my clients' very favorite tools because it's so immediate, and you can put it to use right away. So you put your dream or goal up.
Rhonda Britten:And with the free course I'd like to give your listeners, fearlessliving.org/risk,RSK. They go put their name and email in. I'm gonna give them access to the platform, give them access to the stretch, risk, and die course so they can actually learn how to what's stopping them, how fear works with the stretch, risk, and die, and how to switch it so that your comfort zone becomes you know, takes over your stretch zone, takes over your risk zone. And so what used to be dyes are now comfort zone. Right?
Rhonda Britten:So that's what we want. Yes. And so so inside the course is a workbook. It also has worksheets in there so you can have templates. So if it's health or business or love or family, you have templates in there.
Rhonda Britten:And it's three fifteen minute videos for gosh sakes. Right? Anybody can do it in an hour. Right? So and and by the way, the last video, I show you the wheel of fear so you can actually see the wheel of fear in motion.
Rhonda Britten:So go to fearlessliving.org/risk,risk, and you're gonna get access to my stretchers can die course, which is, like I said, one of my clients' very, very favorite exercise. Everybody needs do that.
Merry Elkins:Right? What would you say to older people who've lost a spouse or grieving the death of a loved one, and they're still hanging on to a past life, and they're afraid to move forward? What would you say to them?
Rhonda Britten:Grief is love that has nowhere to go. Grief is just signal and a sign of love. And grief can last a year, ten years. I didn't grieve my parents until ten years after they died because I was just in freeze. Right?
Rhonda Britten:I didn't grieve them. I just pretended it didn't exist. And it was only after I had a bad breakup that that bad breakup was like their death. It, like, brought their death to the surface. Right?
Rhonda Britten:Understandable. That that
Merry Elkins:causes grief too.
Rhonda Britten:Yeah. So that bad breakup was devastating, and it brought all my parents' stuff up.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. And that's my first know when we all know these people who are hanging on to the past and grieving, what do we say to them? Do you have some advice for us?
Rhonda Britten:Yes. You first of you love them. Right?
Merry Elkins:And you
Rhonda Britten:be gentle with them. And then you ask you can ask them questions like so for instance, I don't know how long it's been, but I'm gonna give my I'm gonna give a silly example for me. Okay? K. When I was going through my divorce, I would talk about my divorce ad nauseam all the time.
Rhonda Britten:I didn't know I was doing it, by the way. Talk about it ad nauseam. And about a year and a half after my divorce, one of my friends said to me so bravely, it was shocking. She said to me, Rhonda, we're tired of listening to it. Yeah.
Rhonda Britten:And I was like, what? Listening to what? She goes, we're done listening about your divorce. And I was so shocked because I again, when you're in your life, you don't even think you're doing that. You don't think you're you don't think you're talking about it at nauseam.
Rhonda Britten:Right? You just think you're talking. Right?
Cathy Worthington:Unless someone tells you.
Rhonda Britten:Right. And they were brave enough to tell me. Now would I say that to somebody who's who her spouse has died? No. But what I might say is, well, do you wanna stay here with us and and and engage with life, or how do you want me to support you?
Rhonda Britten:What do you need right now? Do you wanna go have a cup of tea? Or let's go dancing. Well, I couldn't possibly go dancing. Well, let's just try.
Rhonda Britten:Let's just do it. Dancing's fun. Dancing's fun. Let let's go do it. Well, I don't think come on.
Rhonda Britten:Let's do it. Right? So they've gotta feel their spark of life again, and that is moving their body. That's one way to get to to move their body. And then, of course, to invite them into seeing new experiencing new things.
Rhonda Britten:Take them to a museum. You know? Teach them how to do knitting. Right? Like, again, something new to spark that curiosity and that aliveness to have them choose to be engaged with life again.
Rhonda Britten:Mhmm. And, of course, just love them the whole gosh darn time. Mhmm.
Cathy Worthington:Good advice. And what would you like our audience to have as a takeaway today, Rhonda?
Rhonda Britten:Oh, I want everybody who's listening to my voice right now to just shut their eyes for a second. And I want you to take this in and I want you to let it wash over your body and soak into your bones. There is nothing wrong with you. It's just fear. There is nothing wrong with you.
Rhonda Britten:It's just fear. There is nothing wrong with you. It's just fear. Let that soak into your bones to help make that a reality because that is the truth. There is nothing wrong with you.
Rhonda Britten:It's just fear.
Merry Elkins:And fear is your friend. Yeah.
Rhonda Britten:It's just giving you information.
Merry Elkins:Powerful. Rhonda, thank you.
Rhonda Britten:You're welcome.
Merry Elkins:Our guest today on Late Boomers has been Rhonda Britton, fearless life coach, founder of the Fearless Living Institute, author, television personality. You can reach Rhonda through her website, fearlessliving.org. And as she said, take a free class from her at just go on to fearlessliving.org/risk,risk, and thank you again, Rhonda.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. Tune in next week when we'll be meeting another exciting guest, and please subscribe to our late boomers podcast on YouTube, and take us along in the car and on walks on your favorite audio platform. Let us know what gets you inspired. We are on Instagram at I am Kathy Worthington and at I am Mary Elkins and at late boomers. Please share the late boomers podcast info with your friends who may not yet be listening to podcasts.
Cathy Worthington:Thanks again, Rhonda.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. Be fearless. Be fearless.
Cathy Worthington:Be fearless. Thank you for joining us on late boomers, the podcast that is your guide to creating a third act with style, power, and impact. Please visit our website and get in touch with us at late boomers dot biz. If you would like to listen to or download other episodes of late boomers, go to ewnpodcastnetwork.com.
Merry Elkins:This podcast is also available on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and most other major podcast sites. We hope you make use of the wisdom you've gained here and that you enjoy a successful third act with your own style, power, and impact.
