Lifelines: The Power of Relationships as We Age
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Cathy Worthington:Welcome to late boomers, our podcast guide to creating your third act with style, power, and impact. Hi. I'm Kathy Worthington.
Merry Elkins:And I'm Merry Elkins. Join us as we bring you conversations with successful entrepreneurs, entertainers, and people with vision who are making a difference in the world.
Cathy Worthington:Everyone has a story, and we'll take you along for the ride on each interview, recounting the journey our guests have taken to get where they are, inspiring you to create your own path to success. Let's get started.
Cathy Worthington:Hello. Welcome back to Late Boomers podcast. I'm Kathy Worthington, and I'm here with Mary Elkins.
Merry Elkins:And I'm Mary Elkins, and hello, everyone. This week, we're doing something very different. We don't have a guest. Instead, the two of us are going to talk together about relationships in the second half of life, a topic that's very near and dear to our hearts.
Cathy Worthington:Right. And then next week, we'll return to having a guest. But today is a conversation between Mary and me sharing what we've learned, what we've experienced and what the science tells us about it.
Merry Elkins:Yes. So, let's go for it. Let's jump in.
Cathy Worthington:So, to begin, let's remind listeners why relationships remain or become even more important as we age. It's not just about companionship, but health, resilience, and meaning.
Merry Elkins:That's really true, Kathy. For example, research shows that greater social integration is associated with a lower risk of psychological dysregulation, which really means slower wear and tear in our body.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. And physiologically speaking. Yes. And and the Harvard study of adult development often gets cited. Those who maintained warm, supportive relationships lived longer and had better health outcomes.
Merry Elkins:Absolutely. And more especially and specifically for our theme, older adults often report fewer conflicts and more satisfaction in social interactions compared to younger adults, mainly because they cultivate relationships more selectively and they avoid negative dynamics.
Cathy Worthington:I know I do. That fits with socio emotional selectivity theory.
Merry Elkins:That's a big word. That's Our quite our
Cathy Worthington:research is pretty good. As time horizons shrink, people grow more selective about how they spend their time and their emotional energy preferring emotionally rewarding relationships.
Merry Elkins:That's very true. So having established the why, let's talk about what changes and challenges people face in relationships in midlife and beyond.
Cathy Worthington:Well, one big shift as people age, their social networks often shrink. Friends can move, health can limit your mobility, or some relationships fade. Maintaining meaningful ties takes more intention.
Merry Elkins:That's true. And certain stressors emerge like your health declines or you have caregiving burdens or you've lost your spouse or partner or you've had cognitive changes. One recent study tracked how adults of different ages negotiate relationship changes during life events, and it shows that older adults often must renegotiate their roles and their boundaries and experiences.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. And all their expectations and everything because full disclosure, Mary and I have both lost our spouses kind of late in life or not. Well, yeah, a little while ago. There's also the risk of social isolation and loneliness. Research underscores that isolation and loneliness in older adults raises risks for depression, anxiety, even cognitive disorder.
Merry Elkins:Yes. That's so true. Yucky. On that front, on the cognitive front, meta analyses show that strong social relationships, including structural, functional, and quantitative aspects, are associated with less cognitive decline over time.
Cathy Worthington:Well, that's good, Mary, and especially good on the research.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. Right.
Cathy Worthington:And and interestingly, group based physical or cognitive activities help, not just for fitness, but for social connection. And those these relational factors feed into improved quality of life. Like in my neighborhood, we have a walking group and seven days a week, we're out there at 8AM, whoever makes it makes it and we all get together and we have people in that group in their fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties and we just lost our 92 year old. But it's wide range, and one law student when she comes home who's like 23, she walks with us. She loves the intergenerational thing.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. That's so important for all of us. And as relationships age, sometimes the demanding ties those that require emotional labor, caretaking and conflict it might increase. And part of the job is to evaluate what relationships are life giving and which ones are draining. And also I wanted to add when you were talking about your walking group, I walk every morning with my dog, and I am energized when I meet up with my neighbors.
Merry Elkins:There's so much to talk about. What are they doing that day? What are they doing what did they do over the weekend? What are they reading? What art exhibits have they gone to?
Merry Elkins:There's just so much Yeah. That you can connect with, and I I just find that really life giving.
Cathy Worthington:That's fantastic. And let's also, let's see how we can get practical here. Practical, I'm sorry. If someone loses their, feels their relational life has thinned out, or they want more richness, how do they begin?
Merry Elkins:Right. So the research tells us, and certainly our hearts tell us, to lean into shared activity. Join groups around things that you love, like art or hiking or music, writing, whatever. Being around people, doing what they enjoy makes connection much more natural.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. Like, you have that writing group, Mary.
Merry Elkins:That's right. I had the writing group. Talk about that. How does
Cathy Worthington:that work for you?
Merry Elkins:Well, it was online after COVID, but you still you you you share your writing, and you're really sharing your heart with people. And it's just so wonderful to have that type of emotional connection. And also too, I'm thinking about taking tennis again. I haven't played tennis in thirty years, and I'm thinking about
Cathy Worthington:doing And lots of people who used to play tennis are taking up pickleball.
Merry Elkins:Yes. They are.
Cathy Worthington:That's the biggest thing. And also, think we had to lean into shared activity, but second, also reconnect with old friends or acquaintances. Yeah. Because sometimes relationships are dormant. They're not dead.
Cathy Worthington:You know, you don't have to reinvent the wheel. You just you reach out to somebody that you used to know and you find a lot of things still in common. Like I reached out to somebody I hadn't spoken to in twenty years and we still have overlapping interests now. We love horses. We love dogs.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. And it's just become a steady friendship. It's great.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. It is great. I have a girlfriend who I haven't I haven't seen her since middle school, and we reconnected. And now we go to plays together in musicals, and she's introduced me to her friends, and it's really, really rewarding. And also we talked about intergenerational relationships, younger and older people connecting, mentorship, shared interest across age groups, community programs, which brings fresh young energy and fresh perspective and purpose.
Merry Elkins:I have to add, I have a girlfriend who used to go see her 100 year old mother at a home, and she connected with all the old people, and she said the stories that they told her about their lives were incredible. She had never known anything about these people before, and now they
Cathy Worthington:And also that makes their day because they get somebody young that hasn't heard their story.
Merry Elkins:That's right.
Cathy Worthington:They could tell stories to because everybody there has already heard it.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. And also, if people have dogs or even cats, mostly dogs, they can go to an old folks' home or or, you know, a retirement place, a village, even a hospital, and people love to pet dogs and and hold animals. It really connects them with a I big
Cathy Worthington:see people on Instagram that bring horses to hospitals and old folks homes and stuff, and the horses are kind of magical too. Also, we wanna talk about romantic or companion relationships later in life.
Merry Elkins:Yes.
Cathy Worthington:So for those, as you explore those, maybe you go on a dating app, maybe you meet somebody organically, maybe somebody you knew in high school is a new flame now, Maybe somebody that knew your husband, which happened to me. There's all kinds of things like that. But approach with intention. The research shows talk openly about your expectations, your boundaries, maybe your finances, your health, your caregiving roles. I read a study of newly formed adult couples that found that they experienced some emotional distress on tension laden days compared to younger couples.
Cathy Worthington:I would have thought it would be the reverse. Well But it suggests navigating conflict skillfully is especially crucial.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. Well, I think we accept less stress when we're older. Been through it. We've had it. We've raised kids.
Merry Elkins:We've had good or bad marriages. So yeah, are more selective. And also, it's important to be vulnerable and curious. Ask deeper questions of people you meet, like what has changed for you over the years, or what are your hopes and worries and dreams? And that helps accelerate intimacy.
Cathy Worthington:And I need to remember that because I always forget to ask those kind of questions. Those are beautiful questions.
Merry Elkins:They really are.
Cathy Worthington:It forces people to think, but I think they can appreciate that you asked them that that you wanna hear the answer. Yeah. And and also don't underestimate the power of small rituals like weekly calls, walks, book exchanges, things that anchor connection.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. I told you about my ninety three year old friend who calls his friends every month to make sure that they're still alive.
Cathy Worthington:Very good idea.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. And I also have a friend who lost her longtime partner, and she was feeling very adrift for a while. And then she joined a local community choir simply because she enjoyed singing. So over time, she met people she clicked with and became part of a close group. And now they meet monthly for dinner, they travel together, and they support each other through times of even illness or loss.
Merry Elkins:And the choir gave her a relational home that she just didn't expect or imagine. Mhmm.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. I had a friend that the same thing happened to. She joined a choir with her mom, and they've gone to Europe and stuff. And her mom's well into her nineties, but loves travel. They go on cruises.
Cathy Worthington:They do all these things, and they sing together. That's the most important.
Merry Elkins:Oh, yeah. I
Cathy Worthington:have a friend who was widowed in his sixties and he started attending a weekly walking and talking group in the city park and because there are meetups everywhere you can join And he struck up conversation and which has happened to both of us. You realize you've recently both lost a spouse and they're navigating reinvention together. That's it. They now go lectures and share memories, and they're volunteering together.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. And I think it's important to know you can reinvent yourself at any time of life. And I also read about a coffee club of women who I'd met in grade school, and despite decades of geographic dispersion or continued monthly meetups in person or virtually, and over time they supported each other. And even through divorces or illnesses, grandkids, losses, then the friendship becomes a backbone for resilience, and that's really important.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. And both you and I have book groups that have gone on for years and years and years. And if you don't have one that's gone on, why not start one now?
Merry Elkins:That's You a great
Cathy Worthington:can find people that would like to read the same type of thing you'd like to read. And you could That's just a little idea I thought of. But let's talk about internal barriers. Some some listeners might think, we've talked to guests on our show about this.
Merry Elkins:Yeah, we do.
Cathy Worthington:They might think it's too late or who would want to be friends with me now? And that fear can hold you back.
Merry Elkins:And and I think everybody goes through that at some time, but but it's something that that connection can help get you out of those feelings. And it's really important to shift your mindset. See relationships as a living conversation, not something you either have or don't. And give yourself permission to try and adapt, even walk away or lean in.
Cathy Worthington:Agreed. Also, expect some failed attempts, everybody. Not everyone you try to connect with will click, and that's okay.
Merry Elkins:It is okay. And your physical health, your mobility, your sensory limitations, these are real constraints. So sometimes connection, they have to adjust to you and make more phone calls and have virtual meetings if you can't go out and join your neighbors, have neighborhood meetings.
Cathy Worthington:And guard against overburdening one person. Even the best friendship needs balance. We need a relational ecosystem. I love that idea. I was
Merry Elkins:about to say that.
Cathy Worthington:Yeah. Not dependence on a single go to. Don't put the pressure on somebody.
Merry Elkins:That's right. And let's offer our people in our audience a mini exercise or two they can do this week, and it will help deepen relationships. Like, I'm going to list this, but list two people that you'd like to invest in, like an old friend or a neighbor or acquaintance, and reach out. Send a message. Suggest a walk or a chat.
Merry Elkins:And then try a new group. Pick one interest based group or class to attend, and ask the deeper questions, something you haven't asked someone before. So like, what gives you hope these days? Or what surprised you in this stage of life?
Cathy Worthington:Also a scary one.
Merry Elkins:Yeah. Set a small ritual, a weekly call, a monthly check-in, something simple to anchor that connection.
Cathy Worthington:That's a really good idea. Yeah. And as we wrap up as we wrap up, I wanna emphasize relationships in the second half of life deserve our creativity. They deserve our courage and our intentionality. We've got fewer years ahead than behind and those years can be luminous if they are shared.
Merry Elkins:That's so true. And sometimes we think, well, gee, you know, it takes so much energy to be creative and have courage. But you know what? Being creative and having courage gives you energy. And also our prior losses and our wisdom and our changing priorities make sure they don't block us because you know they really equip us.
Merry Elkins:They they help us form ties that are more honest and deeper and more resilient. Yeah.
Cathy Worthington:Thank you. And Mary, thank you for this conversation.
Merry Elkins:You too. Thank Thank you.
Cathy Worthington:And thank you to our listeners for tuning in. We have to admit that we've had a decades long friendship and we nurture it, we work on it, and we do our podcast together for the last five years.
Merry Elkins:Yeah.
Cathy Worthington:And we hope to give you some encouragement and ideas to experiment with your relational life.
Merry Elkins:And next week, we'll be back with a guest to talk about another topic relevant to our late boomers audience. So until then, reach out and connect. Show up. And relationships are part of what makes our second half so rich.
Cathy Worthington:Take care, everyone, and may your heart and your relationships blossom. And don't forget to subscribe to Late Boomers on YouTube and on your favorite audio platform so you don't miss a single episode. Thanks again, Mary.
Merry Elkins:And thank you, Kathy.
Cathy Worthington:Thank you for joining us on late boomers, the podcast that is your guide to creating a third act with style, power, and impact. Please visit our website and get in touch with us
Cathy Worthington:at lateboomers.us.
Cathy Worthington:If you would like to listen to or download other episodes of Late Boomers, go to ewnpodcastnetwork.com.
Merry Elkins:This podcast is also available on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and most other major podcast sites. We hope you make use of the wisdom you've gained here and that you enjoy a successful third act with your own style, power, and impact.
